'I love you but...'

So what is an ‘I love you but…’ conversation? It’s likely that you have already experienced an ‘I love you but…’ conversation in a relationship with an intimate partner, parent, sibling or perhaps even a friend and you may be very well aware of what I am referring to.

What is an ‘I love you but…’ conversation? It is one where the person saying the ‘but’ loves the other, usually warts and all, and the other person often knows it. The ‘but’ is often followed by advice to the other person, shifting both people’s position within the relationship. With the advice giver taking a position of expertise and the other person a position of needing help (even when these roles were not agreed upon).

An ‘I love you but...’ conversation often comes from a place of care. An example of this, is a child – parent relationship, when children are making decisions based off their experience (or lack of experience). Parents who have more experience in the world want to share their experience and expertise (or should I say the ‘but’). Let me get clear and say that there are times where it is appropriate and needed for a parent to say ‘but’ and make the final say in a child’s life. However there are times when an advice giver may be attempting to persuade a child to think the same way as them and that they know the best course for the child even when the result of a bad decision would have a benign impact. As you can see these conversations are coming from a place of wanting the best for the other and often not wanting them to experience hurt or pain. So you may now be asking, what is wrong with this.

If these conversations continue over and over again, it can have an impact on the health of the relationship. It can result in the person who is receiving the advice, feeling criticized which can result in conflict or withdrawal. It can also result in the polarisation of these two people’s views. Meaning that both people become more convinced that their view is the best view, and there becomes less room to find a middle ground. Ultimately there is no winner in these conversations and overtime these two people can become more disconnected from each other.

There are ways to shift this dynamic. First notice which relationships invite you to be an advice giver or receiver.

-          Notice when you are being invited to take a role in the conversation

-          Take a breath before you respond

-          Get curious about the others response  

-          Let the other person know what you want from the conversation ‘I don’t want to give you advice but I will listen’, ‘I don’t want advice.’

-          Use ‘I’ statements

Doing something different may mean the person that you are having the conversation with might surprise you and you may develop a new understanding of their competence or maybe your own.

Please seek help from a professional if you need support. 

Note: This blog is educational in nature and does not constitute therapy advice.