Have you ever found yourself uttering the words if only they did not do X, then I would not do Y?
This statement assumes that the other person is to blame for whatever has unfolded. It assumes that behaviour is linear, and that Y is the consequence of X rather than a circular pattern where one person’s behaviour influences another. Confused?
What if I said that often when a couple comes to see me their conflict follows a circular pattern with each person playing a role in the conflict (the content of the argument often changes but the pattern stays the same).
Let me explain, when John and Susan attend a session (John and Susan are a made up couple), we began to map out an argument; Susan has been asking John to fix the bathroom for months, Susan feels at her wits end and approaches John feeling frustrated stating ‘I’ve told you over and over to fix the bathroom when are you going to fix it? I'm sick and tired of taking cold showers – you really can’t do anything’. John reports feeling flooded / overwhelmed and unable to respond in that moment, so he walks away from Susan, Susan continues to follow him at which time she feels angry at being ignored so her voice get louder, and she says, ‘John, tell me when’. John at this moment gets angry and shouts back ‘get off my back’ and the argument only stops when John walks away leaving both him and Susan feeling unheard, hurt and disrespected by the other.
Looking at this example from a linear perspective we can say that if John fixed the bathroom Susan wouldn’t have had to ask him about the bathroom or if Susan didn’t yell at John, then he would not have shouted back, thus no argument. Whilst these statements are both true, they do not consider the circular nature of behaviour and the fact that we influence one another in relationships. For example, what would have happened if Susan approached John in a way which did not criticise him? What would have happened if John were able to respond rather than becoming flooded and stonewalling? How might this have influenced the behaviour of the other and led to a different outcome, one they would have both preferred?
There are many reasons why patterns are established and maintained but what is useful to think about is not how do I change the other person or get them to do what I want but rather, what can I change about my part in the pattern (changing even the smallest part of the pattern can change the overall outcome)?
If you find yourself in conflict within an important relationship, I urge you to stop and ask yourself the following questions.
- What is my part in the pattern?
- What can I do differently and when?
- What do I want to be curious about in relation to the other person?
- What can I use to calm myself down when I notice that we are entering the pattern?
- How can I integrate ‘I statements’ into this conversation?
Remember, patterns of interacting often take time to change – it takes practice, and it starts with you.
Please seek help from a professional if you need support.
Note: This blog is educational in nature and does not constitute therapy advice.
